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About Deviant ScarsAreBeautifulFemale/Unknown Recent Activity
Deviant for 5 Years
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Love has gone
but my stomach still
is filled with
always screaming,
crawling, craving,
wanting so much
to be free.
These butterflies hurt me,
bite my insides at times
but tickle
and make me laugh as well.
Sometimes they help me bear
the sheer pain
of being alive.
My heart is not worth
the beauty of this world,
it is not worth the butterflies
it is trying too hard
to trap inside.
But the butterflies,
they help me see
better dreams
in which
he is dancing,
full of love
and promises.
I would let go
of these butterflies today,
I would ask them
to run for their freedom
and dance with the flowers
made for them
but I need them so much
to keep me alive.
And butterflies
are always better
than stones residing
in the heart
and when these butterflies
start to die,
I will always know I tried,
I tried.
I will know I lived
just to be able to
keep them alive.
And when these butterflies
start to die,
I will not cry,
I will still try
and heal my bruises
with their dead, broken,
pretty wings.
Burn, burn, burn
and burn the patches
of your love.
Fly away,
all this
is over,
And I am always kind of
crying to
the sound of the
always resting my feet
in hope
a bird will sit on it
a while.
Blood is everywhere -
blood is nowhere -
blood is needed
in my eyes
to show
that this day
is the only way
to let go.
Cry, die, try,
This is not the way
life should be
but blood is
and you are nowhere,
not even in the room
we made love in
over a thousand times.
Your eyes burn me
with the desire to
be alive,
your eyes burn the rope
I am holding on to
to not fall
from this height
of derision,
that happened between you and me
but it also happened
long ago
once upon a fucking time.
I want to fuck you,
possess you,
consume you -
but it aches
even to see you
in sight.
Cut fingers, cut ties,
cut sleeves, cut papers
and kites
and burn them all -
lay bare forever,
look at the sky
and hope to see
the sign
that life
Wanting you,
craving you
with all its biology,
the way you crave
for him.
I want to run,
then die
then wake up
to run again.
Sleep is proof
of how short
a death can be,
like an orgasm,
you reach the highest
state of being
then come to earth,
pouring your sorrows in
a fucking glass of wine.
And I burn
love again,
live again,
kill and hurt
and run again
and again.
And 'again' is
the only constant thing,
a way to bind all our
existing in different
instances in time.
Burn again,
love again,
and run
and again
never again.
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: sexual themes)
seep within me love,
fill me with
the unknown world
that you are a part of.
i do not know you
but i do know that
your touch is all
i need right now.
help me live,
help me breathe
in breathlessness.
he left me
so you could
all the places
that he stained.
remove those stains,
remove them
with your tongue,
with your blood,
remove them with
the tears in my eyes.
fuck me
and lie to me,
say that
you love me
and tell me
i am beautiful.
nail me down
and scratch me
and bite me,
make me bleed
and pull my hair
and tell me
you will
die without me.
lie and lie
and lie away
to give this fuck
a rhythm of its own.
and tell me
you do not care
that my old lover
is always somewhere
between these sheets,
between my heartbeats,
between the ticks
of the clock
on my wall.
i need you,
but i know you not
this is but
a random act
of kindness:
you lie inside of
seep some life in
i am dying
without him.
your tongue, oh stranger,
it does miracles,
it makes me
forget him
for a second,
a minute,
a while.
he is in the
air of my room,
in my smell
that you breathe
but you are the king
who is conquering me,
oh beautiful stranger.
please also conquer
some of his memories:
tickle me with his beard,
and hold me with his hands,
stay inside me
and repeat his name
a thousand times.
i hope that you won't care
when i call you by his name,
i love him no more,
i just say his name
because it rhymes
with the death and
end of time.
look out the window,
the sun still shines
and the moon still shines,
they lie in harmony
side by side
yet they belong to
different worlds
just like the two of us.
i belong to his
and you belong to hers
but this moment is all about
trying to belong
to our very own
serpent selves.
you cry, i cry,
and no one listens
but i want you
to come inside
and give me
some of your life
and take some of
my own.
because the moments
are fleeting,
and i am dying
and he is nowhere
to be
except between these sheets
and between my heartbeats
and the ticks of the clock
on my wall.
and there is still
some twinkle in my eye,
stay with me,
fuck me,
keep this twinkle
that he birthed
so very alive,
always alive.
And I feel dead on the inside but I know it was the right thing to do. I haven't written this much poetry in a while. So I guess that's good.

Seriously, nothing but pure love and hugs required here fellow deviants, and little talk here and there.
Hi there,

This is going to be a fairly long post so please do bear with me but it's important that I make it long as I feel some of the finer details of the situation are important to be known. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we have known each other (and very closely) for four years and were really good friends before we started out dating. A few months ago him and I were having this conversation and he was talking about his business plans, he has been talking about them for a quite a while and he told me he might move to this place that is 3-4 hours away. Well, we were essentially talking in hypotheticals but I said to him if that happens I was gonna miss him and he just says in almost robotic, matter-of-fact way "I know but if I had to I would choose my career over this relationship". It wasn't the fact that someone could do that that got to me but rather how he said it - almost like it wouldn't be difficult for him, like I was no consideration, like this relationship was nothing other than another hurdle to cross. When I talked with him about it and told him it was the way he said it that made me feel little and like I was not important. He simply replied saying: "Then you're worrying about nothing but semantics. I say what I mean and I mean what I say and in the past I have censored myself from saying things in order to not hurt others but I don't wish to do that again. And it should be a a given that being away from you will hurt me too. But pain is fact of life."

Fair enough, I guess? I tried living with it - I have been living with it - I let it go. Because all those moments we get to spend together are so happy and full of peace and love that I managed to let it go somehow. Yesterday I realized I probably never did let go that in some ways, what he said always has been in the back of my head. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with him about when we could hang out and he tells me he will have to see as he is working two jobs and he has a summer course and it's fine and understandable up until then but then he says something that fucked with my head for the rest of the day yesterday. He said "You know my career is the biggest priority right now and everything else comes after that and that was the entire condition of the relationship". Well, I never knew of any such conditions or agreement. Then he goes on and says, "I have to be able to straighten up my life and get my career if I wanna be satisfied with life overall and every time you bring this up it does nothing but stress me out and overwhelm me"

The way he said it - it made me feel little, lesser. It made me feel like I wasn't as important to him as he is to me. I always think of him in most of my decisions, I always think of ways to make out time, always. It's not that his being focused on his career that seems to be the actual problem - that is fine even admirable but rather the way that he says these things, the way he thinks these things. The imbalance between how much I care and how much he does. The lopsidedness of it all. I have always been the one to try and walk in his shoes, adjust, compromise, let go, forgive, went out on the limb to talk to my parents about him even though dating is frowned upon in my culture (and I am lucky to have parents that despite their culture were supportive and understanding). I have done all of that - went to hell and back FOR HIM. To be with him. And it feels as though that while he does care, this relationship is nothing more than a matter of convenience for him. Like something to hold on to because you enjoy it - but only holding on to it while it is blissfully convenient to do so. It's a very heavy feeling to bear and it is killing me so much that it was actually hard to get out of the bed this morning. Because I love him too much. And while I understand he is busy and that he has two jobs and a summer class, and I don't expect him to spend his every waking moment with me but I feel like he doesn't care enough about spending time with me. I feel like he isn't trying enough. Or at least not as much as I care. He said we could hang out next friday (which would be three weeks after our last date!). It usually isn't that long but I said to him he should make sure it isn't just a couple hours or something that we are able to spend time more properly and he just goes, "I will try. I will see. As you know, I am working". And I know that if it were me in his shoes - I will fight to make that happen, especially if he so wanted me to. Hell, I even took Tuesdays off from my volunteer work at a museum because that's the day when I felt (because he doesn't have work and only one class) that the chances of seeing him were a bit more. But I just don't see any of my effort being reciprocated. Sometimes, I feel like this relationship wouldn't even exist if not for me.

By the way, we broke up a few months back and those three weeks that him and I were broken up were probably the worst weeks of my life. I was eating nothing, I had no energy, I collapsed outside of a class, I collapsed inside my house, I broke down between class lectures and exams and I broke down while standing at the bus stops. As to what led to the breakup is a long-ass story and I don't wish to get there, I feel what happened back then is mostly irrelevant to the situation I am in right now (as the problems back then were very different) but the reason I bring this up is because I wanted everyone to see why I don't see a breakup being a solution here at all. I know what that did to me before and I don't wish to go through any of that again. He came back, he was sincerely sorry for his mistakes, he (just like me) did feel like a part of him was missing and he was pretty fucked by the breakup as well. And I felt like us getting back together when chances of that happening felt like zero to me was a start of a new chapter altogether. But what is going on right now and what he said on the phone and how easily he can tell me he puts career above me --- all of that really fucking hurts, it stings actually. It's like he has given me some heads up, some warning so when it happens, I don't complain.

But I don't want to leave him either, I love him too much and I fear crippling loneliness and I fear that emotional state I went through when we broke up the last time. And this relationship is pretty much all that is able to make me happy. And all those awesome memories. And just having had in life for four years (first as best friends then as a lover). All the investment I have done, it makes it so hard to let go. I feel like I can let go only if and when it kills me completely. This whole thing. I feel like I have invested too much and he has merely cruised along - I sometimes even doubt he actually loves me. Because is this how limited love is? I don't think so. And I guess I am just holding on to the last loose threads waiting for something to change - waiting for some proof, some validation that I am wrong about it all, wrong about us, about him. And it's crippling me so much, all of this. It isn't even that there are no good sides to this relationship - that it is completely bad. It has its ups. But these things still hurt no matter how good anything else is.

Please don't tell me I am suffering from stockholm syndrome, please don't tell me to break up, please don't judge me and tell me I am one stupid gal who is suffering from low self esteem. Just understand. Just really understand, and give me all the understanding and wisdom you possibly can. And be honest, too. I need honesty and empathy and understand but no judgments. 
Sometimes, the moment a dream is materialised, it tends to lose its beauty. For it no longer remains a dream but becomes a concrete reality. Once a dream that was trapped in a dream enters the real world - it is no longer sheltered or protected, the moment it enters the real world, it is surrounded by threats, and people, and you constantly need to look out for it. Once the dream enters the real world, it no longer remains perfect - you realise its limitations, its boundaries, and above all, its cost.

Perhaps, sometimes, it is best for dreams to not come true. This way, they will always remain pure and perfect and true.

Do I sound like a crazy person?

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Bexica Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010  Student General Artist
Thanks for the fave on 'Wishful Thinking' x
fzkhatri Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2010
Thank You! :heart:
RichardLeach Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2010   Traditional Artist
Thanks for the blues fave a few days ago, Farah! I am behind on messages but grateful!
bowie-loon123 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2010  Student Writer
ScarsAreBeautiful Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2010
HEY. OH MY GOD. :glomp:
How are you my long lost sis?!
Aadea Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2010
roovel Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010
Welcome back. am not much around. Mainly group management and that even is getting low on list in comparison to real life activities. I ve been fine, hope all is well on your side. Thanks for your little comment.
RichardLeach Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2010   Traditional Artist
Fave thanks, Farah! :hug:
LauraTringaliHolmes Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2010
Thank you so much for the Life Is collage fave! :heart:
partiallyHere Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2010
thanks Farah :heart: :thanks:
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